I read this Matt Walsh Blog Post the day he posted it and felt I had an experience I wanted to add. The fear of putting my heart out there stopped me at the time but I have a burning feelings to write something about it again this morning.
To Any Woman Unsure of What to do,
Maybe you just found out you're pregnant. You've made the decision already what you are going to do. Maybe you are now questioning it. Maybe you are 7 months along and still have no idea what to do. For 7 months I thought I was going to be a 17 year old mom, unsure of how I was going to finish my senior year of High School. I was pregnant with a baby boy. I had hopes and dreams for him. I wanted him to have the best. After much prayer, I'd decided the best thing for my boy was to have a married mother and father who were older than me who could love him as much as I did and take much better care of him.
Let me tell you about adoption.
When you hand your baby over, it will break your heart. Your arms will lock up and it will make it almost physically impossible for you to let your baby go. You've heard the phrase, "time heals all wounds." This is not true. You will go home feeling empty. The person who has been with you constantly for 9 months has been taken from your body and took your heart with it.
You will see other babies of the same gender and same age and wonder what your baby is doing. You will find that you have a month of sadness surrounding the time of your baby's birthday. You will know exactly how long he was, how much he weighed, his head circumference, the time he was born and all the details because that it all you have left of him. If you get pictures, you will cherish them. You will hold them to your heart and cry.
You will have times where you think you could have done it. You could have been a mother. You are right. But it wasn't about you, it was about your baby.
You will look in the mirror and not recognize your body. You're once perky boobs now sag and you're still a teenager or in your 20's. You will have stretch marks in places you didn't think you could. You have something called cellulite, (which you thought was an old person's thing) on your legs because your previous 105 pound body couldn't support a pregnant belly. You may have to explain to someone why your body is the way it is who doesn't know your story, when you wear a swimsuit. You think of a lie because you don't want to pour your heart out to a stranger. You work your butt off to get in fantastic shape because who's going to take you to prom looking like this? I'll tell you this though- You ARE beautiful! That light will show through and people will tell you that you have a glow about you. You'll look down at your imperfect stomach and you may smile, because it's evidence that the love of your life, once lived there.
There will come a day when you decide to have a child. You will worry. What if all of a sudden you can't have kids? Or what if you do get pregnant and you miscarry? What if something happened and now you've placed the only child you could biologically have for adoption?
Mine came 9 years later. I was pregnant. Like me, you might pray for another little boy (or girl if that is what you are pregnant with now). You will beg for that same gender child. My heart was longing for a little boy because I was missing a little boy. Girls are great too, next time. "God please, I beg you, let this be a little boy." You go in for an ultrasound. Fingers crossed. It seems like it takes forever for them to tell you what the baby is. You are told the gender... Exactly what you wanted! You are thrilled. You feel happiness and so much hope. You finish your pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby. You cry hysterically. Your husband cries. Everything is perfect.
And then you get home
My plan was to place my baby in his crib and have him sleep in his own room. I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him out of my sight. He napped in my arms or my husband's for the first 2 months of life. Every nap was in our arms. Most of his naps still are and he's almost 6 months old. When he's in the bassinet at night you can't sleep. You check on him constantly. What if he stops breathing? You can't handle the thought of losing another baby. You can't sleep because all you can do is stare at him and make sure he's still alive. If you lost this baby it would absolutely kill you.
Sometimes you'll feel like you're cheating on your baby. But which one? For years, the child you placed for adoption had all of your love. That was the baby you've wanted. Are you cheating on that one now that you love a new one? Or maybe you are cheating on the one in your arms. You will tell this one that it's the cutest baby ever, when you know in that back of your mind that its the other cutest baby ever. You will begin to see what your baby now is doing and wonder when your first baby started to roll over and crawl, etc. You will wish you had seen those times in your first baby. You will appreciate every little thing your baby does, like watching them sleep and sometimes even watching them cry because it means they are real and there. You will feel this gratitude for them deeply. You will look at your baby in a happy moment and start balling your eyes out because there are not even words to describe how grateful you are that you have this little miracle. You will thank God every day that you got the chance to be this baby's mother.
You may find out that your first baby knows he's adopted. This will bring you joy. He knows you exist! For years you've been in love with someone who doesn't know you exist and it's an amazing feeling. But then you wonder. How did he react? Is he thinking about me? Will he want to see me one day? What if he doesn't? What if he's got his mom and that's all her needs? Or what if he does want to meet me? What will we talk about? Will he like me?
You may wonder if your babies look alike. How would they have treated each other? Don't dwell in that mind set. It won't happen, he has a family and it will only hurt more to dwell there.
In your hard times I want you to think about these things...
1) Remember WHY you placed your baby with that family. You wanted to give your baby its best chance. Your baby has a good life!
2) Remind yourself that if you were like me and was supposed to wait until marriage to have sex, that this child would not have ever existed. Remind yourself what a blessing he is to them.
3) Put yourself in his mother's shoes. What if you were 25 years old, married, college graduate, had so much going for you, except you couldn't biologically have kids. All you've wanted was a family. Think of how unfair that was for her. Feel her pain. I now have a special place in my heart for women who cannot have children. You've given her the BEST thing anyone could ever have. YOU made her a mother. YOU are selfless. You choose to be selfless every day that you are not bitter. When I wonder how he's doing, I stop myself from emailing her because he is her child. I wouldn't want someone else imposing on my family. I sometimes dread the day he says "I want to meet my birth mother" because of her feelings. Maybe she will wonder, "Is he going to like her better?" Maybe she's scared or intimidated by the relationship you could have one day. I do not want her to feel this way. It's not fair that she should have to worry about this. He is her child. Think of her when things get hard. Think of how happy he's made her because of YOU. Love her. This helps me more than anything else!
4) You will be happy again. You will not regret Adoption over an Abortion. God will bless you. I promise you this.
Maybe you will choose a different path for your child, but I BEG you not to chose an abortion. Please turn a selfish act into a selfless act. Be honorable. Give your baby a life!
With so much love,
-A-
